DISCLAIMER: To all of the people in relationships who are reading this— this post is not meant to offend anyone, all of my words are said in jest, and anything written here is really to poke fun at people like me who have developed bitter cat lady syndrome early in life. So there.
Right then. So I am single AL. (Single As Life). I am so single, that if a friend of mine will tell me how some idiot tried to hit on her in the subway, the first thing I will probably ask is— “was he cute?” I am so single, that I live vicariously through Google images of Korean actors holding kittens. I am so ridiculously single, that if someone tried to set me up right now, with an actual guy, I would probably refuse due to nerves and heart palpitations. Yah. Single AL. The thing is, every time I am single, which is most of the time— I have noticed certain patterns of behavior on myself that I for some reason tend to do, every time I am sans male companion for a prolonged period of time. And the other thing is, I’ve realized that if I keep repeating these behaviors, then I am probably not the only one doing them. So it probably would be a good idea to post these behaviors on the internet and laugh at everyone who is like me. Because we are all pathetic.
Before we start listing though, I do have to say that Bonobos has been inspiring people to create a his and hers look in the spirit of spring. For those who haven’t heard of Bonobos, it is an online menswear store that specializes in the dressy-casual look. If any of you do have any men in your life, this really is an awesome place to check out for gifts, inspiration, and an overall idea of how to look well dressed and sophisticated. If you’re a guy. So at this point, we all understand that Cynical Duchess is very very single. Therefore, any his + hers look I would create would be for the imaginary guy inside my head. Let’s call him Jonah. Because I love the name Jonah. Jonah is of medium height, around 5”8, with a thin, wiry build and floppy dark hair. He has warm brown eyes and a great smile, and he’s majoring in bioengineering. The rest I’ll leave up to the Heavens. Right, now that I have an imaginary guy, I can create a spring his + hers look. *all male styles from the Bonobos spring line, all female styles from Pinterest. ONWARD:
I. So you know when you are sitting in Starbucks, or in the subway, or the bloomin’ airport for crying out loud— and there is That Couple. Yah, That Couple. They are probably sitting right in front of your face, so that you have no where to look, but at them—and they are staring into each other’s eyes quite lovingly, whilst mashing their faces together in the most disgusting fashion. I mean, I don’t want to get graphic here, but if you are single, like me, then it is Murphy’s Law that you will probably end up within the direct line of sight of the only coupe in the vicinity who find it appropriate to so publicly display their affection. And if you are anything like me, you will probably take to twitter to lament the disgusting habits of your generation, probably adding in somewhere that The Couple should go get a room. And you will probably get a lot of acknowledgment, and a few self righteous head nods, for your tweet. But secretly—and people, we all know this is true— secretly, you are just jealous because they are in a relationship and you’re not.
II. The only other time I get such Acute Single-itis is when I am on Instagram, and I am viewing two types of pictures. The first type, is pictures of your high school classmates, who already got married 2 years ago, and by now even have a kid. And while you are sitting on the couch in your PJ’s, looking like a slob who hasn’t brushed her hair for three days, because why not— you have no one to impress—these friends of your are posting oh-so-cutesy pictures of themselves with their other half, cuddling on the couch, and petting a dog, and running off into the sunset, in like, Peru. It’s downright disgusting. Honestly, go get a room.
III. The other type of Insta-photo that really itches at my Acute Single-itis, is when you come across a photo of a really fun looking person, whom you would love to get to know IRL— but you can’t, because they live in like, Japan or something. Also, I don’t just chat up random male strangers over Instagram. It isn’t done. So instead I just lament over the fact that I am single AL, and there are practically no normal guys anywhere near the vicinity of the tristate area. Which is why I should move to Japan.
|Low key, I own that skirt.
However, one of the biggest symptoms of Acute Single-itis, at least for me anyway, is a violent change in mood swings and attitude when it comes to the thought of dating: so you’re sitting on your couch, looking like a slob, and petting a sock, because you don’t have a cat— and you start to think to your self. Nah, I don’t need a relationship, I’m too busy, I’m starting college again in the fall—I won’t have time to do all of that relationship stuff. See? I’m better off, might as well not bother. Then of course, you start looking at google images of actors holding kittens, or your Instagram pops up with these suggestions of cool looking people from Finland, or Japan, and then all of a sudden you’re all— WHY AM I NOT MARRIED? WHAT IS LIFE? Meanwhile, you’re still petting a sock.
I am just saying that you, as a single person, may probably go through all of these symptoms— or none at all– because Acute Single-itis may not actually exist, and I’m just the crazy one who feels these things when she’s single. Even so, I do have to say— that I have no advice for you. None. It feels horrific sometimes to be single, and alone, and to be reminded of that fact through all your friends’ unsingleness. And I will not try to lessen the reality of these feelings, nor will I bring up any of that ‘strong independent woman’ garbage. Because everyone wants someone they can give and receive love from.
NOTE: If I were to actually wear this blouse, I would put a white shirt underneath it to cover up the color bone and elbows. Just need to put that out there.
However, I will say– that being in a relationship will not solve all of your problems. If you are in debt, and you have a bad relationship with your mother, and you are failing 3rd semester, acquiring a boyfriend will solve nothing. In fact, it will just make you into a person who is in debt, who is fighting with her mother, who is failing 3rd semester– and has a boyfriend. Nor can you expect a relationship to fill any missing pieces or questions you have about your identity. If you don’t know who you are, or what you want out of life, how can you expect to know what you want in the person who is supposed to complete you?
But, since this is supposed to be a post of lamentation, let’s put all advice aside and just wallow in the fact that the biggest emotional action I’ve had in the past week came from the creepy dude grinning at me in the subway. Let the Acute Single-itis commence.
I have nothing more to say.
How do you behave, when you’re single AL?
Leave a comment below!
*All female style photos taken from Pinterest